What If?

what if i'm tired faking myself.. lying to myself ..
what if every move make is a lie..
what if my friends see the "happy-go-lucky-girl",
sad and crying ... drowning in her own misery ..
what if that girl is so immature that he fakes her way so she won't let her friends be as sad as her..
what if she's just pretending to be happy so she can make others happy ..
what if she's just laughing and having fun for others..
but for herself she can't do it..
because she laughs for the sake of others..
'cause she knows that if her friends saw her crying .. they will be worried.. and share the same misery that she's experiencing..
she would be nothing but a bother to her friends..
nothing but a BOTHER!!
waste of time..
listening to her ..
even she herself can't take the misery she's experiencing..
and why bother telling people my misery .. when i can handle by my own .. without entering anyone's life and making it worse because of me..
she would feel bad about herself by bothering those people that loves her ..
bother.bother.bother.bother..... she don't wanna be like that ...
she wanna be the friend who cheers up her friends by being happy outside ... but inside she is dying emotionally every second of her life yet living physically .. random but true ... absurd but that's her..
FAKER is what she is .. she may look happy outside ... if you can see through her heart .. she is very alone ..
a very sad girl who fakes her life for others... so she can make others happy.. yet killing herself through misery.. m

sad part is .. the girl is ME..

hope i can forget this misery.. :'(